Exclusive Interview: Sarah Palin on Animal Rights

Following her memorable endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, former Governor and vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin sat down on an Alaskan bear she killed to discuss her controversial positions on animal rights.

Andrew Kirschner (AK): What do you think of the word “vegan”?

Sarah Palin (SP): Refudiate, misunderestimate, wee-wee’d up. English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!

AK: It’s actually not a new word. It has been around for decades. Polls show an increasing number of people are turning to plant-based food for ethical, environmental, and health reasons. 

SP: Polls? Nah…they’re for strippers and cross-country skiers.

AK: The courts have rejected and overturned recent so-called Ag Gag laws aimed at preventing Americans from seeing what happens to farm animals before they’re slaughtered for food. Do you support the courts’ decisions?

SP: Well, let’s see. There’s ― of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but…

AK: How do you believe we should deal with an animal agriculture industry that so brutally ignores animal welfare laws?

SP: The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.

AK: So you would bomb them?

SP: As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border.

AK: Well, I’m referring specifically to animal agriculture in the United States. What would you do to combat the suffering of farm animals and to promote the development, affordability, and availability of more environmentally sustainable, healthy, and compassionate plant-based food?

SP: If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?

AK: I never heard that before. You’re made of meat. Would it be all right if I eat you?

SP: Haha. Funny. Not. Funny. I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done steak. But I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.

AK: Wow, that’s quite a statement. Very inspiring. Have you seen the undercover investigations at slaughterhouses that show people abusing farm animals mercilessly?

SP: At those times on the campaign trail when sometimes it’s easy to get a little bit discouraged, when, you know, when you happen to turn on the news when your campaign staffers will let you turn on the news. Usually they’re like “Oh my gosh, don’t watch. You’re going to, you know, you’re going to get depressed.”

AK: Yes, it’s very sad but not watching doesn’t make it any less painful for the animals. There are so many humane plant-based food alternatives now. Why continue to contribute to such unnecessary cruelty?

SP: The man can only ride ya when your back is bent.

AK: Well, the animals have no choice. You recently endorsed Donald Trump. Did you read my interview with Donald Trump on animal rights?

SP: He knows the main thing. Better than anyone, isn’t he known for being able to command fire? And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, no, America would apologize as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.” He is from the private sector, not a politician. Can I get a Hallelujah! How about the rest of us? Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our Constitution.

AK: Do you know the required parts of speech to form a sentence?

SP: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years. Our President must have missed growing up because his insistence that its lawlessness of he trying to get his way it tramples our constitution. So from debt and I won’t even get into all the details of everything. We drive in solutions and we be bold.

AK: Thank you Governor Palin. I appreciate you taking the time to help readers get to know you and your position on animal rights.

SP: You betcha!

All of the replies in this interview are actual Sarah Palin quotes. 

37 thoughts on “Exclusive Interview: Sarah Palin on Animal Rights

  1. Saturday Night Live couldn’t have written a better sketch. It’s pretty scary, though, to think someone like Palin is actually in a position of leadership….who votes for someone like that??? Sheeeesh.

  2. God bless America…is she for real? If this is what we are up against we need to arm the animals with weapons.

    Lisa

  3. The required parts of speech question was brilliant and ballsy…LOVE! How did you pull this interview off?! Hats off as i laugh my ass off.

  4. This is real?
    I mean I know she’s a bit……um…..you know I’m not sure there is a word that adequately describes her, but this is just cringe-worthy.
    Never mind, God Bless America…..God Help America more like!

    1. She’s “dumb as a pole”. And I mean a pole like a ski pole or stripper’s pole-dancing pole. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I am disrespecting the intelligence of a person of Polish descent.

  5. Please tell me tthis is not true. Tell me you copied and pasted many things together, and the questions are not real???????????????????

  6. Can they come any dumber?!!!
    What had she smoked before having the interview?

    But seriously, it is quite disturbing to see that the public chooses these morons who lack empathy and compassion except for their pork chops, and are driven solely by the need to be famous and in power.
    Public has to do better.

  7. I’m always amazed when someone as brainless as Sarah Palin can talk for an hour and never even touch on the the question or topic of discussion. She must have had one heck of a speech teacher in high school. Were it not for her looks and personality, she would have been written off long ago.

    1. “Across Alaska horizons where the mountains were under water and skiers could dive down and there is no palace that is whiter than the White House, but shopping is great.” – Sarah Palin.

    1. Are you defending this douche bag? It may have been a satire but it hit the mark spot on. Sad to think it COULD have been and HAS been true.

  8. I remember her shooting bears and wolves from a low flying airplane and sounded like she had numerous orgasms! Backwoods trash!

  9. Cant stop laughing! There is something seriously wrong with that woman! She can’t make a sentence & she’s a total idiot!

  10. Satire. These are all real Palin quotes that the author has assembled in the form of answers to interview questions. Great piece, well done! Thanks, Andrew.

  11. LOL! No wonder she’s endorsed Trump. She doesn’t have a clue how to answer a direct question, either….lol. Good Lord, is she really as stupid as indicated from this interview?? I’ve never really paid attention to much of anything to do with her, but now I can say with absolute conviction I NEVER will. lol

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