Following her memorable endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, former Governor and vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin sat down on an Alaskan bear she killed to discuss her controversial positions on animal rights.
Andrew Kirschner (AK): What do you think of the word “vegan”?
Sarah Palin (SP): Refudiate, misunderestimate, wee-wee’d up. English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!
AK: It’s actually not a new word. It has been around for decades. Polls show an increasing number of people are turning to plant-based food for ethical, environmental, and health reasons.
SP: Polls? Nah…they’re for strippers and cross-country skiers.
AK: The courts have rejected and overturned recent so-called Ag Gag laws aimed at preventing Americans from seeing what happens to farm animals before they’re slaughtered for food. Do you support the courts’ decisions?
SP: Well, let’s see. There’s ― of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but…
AK: How do you believe we should deal with an animal agriculture industry that so brutally ignores animal welfare laws?
SP: The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.
AK: So you would bomb them?
SP: As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border.
AK: Well, I’m referring specifically to animal agriculture in the United States. What would you do to combat the suffering of farm animals and to promote the development, affordability, and availability of more environmentally sustainable, healthy, and compassionate plant-based food?
SP: If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?
AK: I never heard that before. You’re made of meat. Would it be all right if I eat you?
SP: Haha. Funny. Not. Funny. I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done steak. But I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.
AK: Wow, that’s quite a statement. Very inspiring. Have you seen the undercover investigations at slaughterhouses that show people abusing farm animals mercilessly?
SP: At those times on the campaign trail when sometimes it’s easy to get a little bit discouraged, when, you know, when you happen to turn on the news when your campaign staffers will let you turn on the news. Usually they’re like “Oh my gosh, don’t watch. You’re going to, you know, you’re going to get depressed.”
AK: Yes, it’s very sad but not watching doesn’t make it any less painful for the animals. There are so many humane plant-based food alternatives now. Why continue to contribute to such unnecessary cruelty?
SP: The man can only ride ya when your back is bent.
AK: Well, the animals have no choice. You recently endorsed Donald Trump. Did you read my interview with Donald Trump on animal rights?
SP: He knows the main thing. Better than anyone, isn’t he known for being able to command fire? And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, no, America would apologize as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.” He is from the private sector, not a politician. Can I get a Hallelujah! How about the rest of us? Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our Constitution.
AK: Do you know the required parts of speech to form a sentence?
SP: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years. Our President must have missed growing up because his insistence that its lawlessness of he trying to get his way it tramples our constitution. So from debt and I won’t even get into all the details of everything. We drive in solutions and we be bold.
AK: Thank you Governor Palin. I appreciate you taking the time to help readers get to know you and your position on animal rights.
SP: You betcha!
All of the replies in this interview are actual Sarah Palin quotes.