New Climate Report Reveals Life On Earth Almost Over; American Idol Finale in Jeopardy

A panel of 876 climate scientists from 3,000 countries released a 68,000-page report this week that included their findings from studying the planet for the past 1,200 years. The panel included their conclusions in a summary report for NGOs, policymakers, communities, and businesses called “We Are Really F*cked.” The report included photos of the planet’s warming patterns, deforestation, wildfires, drought, famine, floods, and a bunch of really f*cking scary charts that show the United States is not even close to meeting its Paris Agreement goals. Based on the latest findings from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, it remains unknown if the American Idol finale—originally scheduled for May 15—will air, given the impending implosion of the planet. The show’s producers said they might consider combining the Hollywood rounds, so viewers can see who wins before a typhoon washes them out to sea.

“Yeah, it’s really bad. We’re out of time,” said Stean Ramsdorf, a climate scientist from Denmark, as he threw himself out of a window on the fourth floor of the UN building.   

“Ga’damit! Not again! When are they going to stop with these reports?” an incredulous Speaker Kevin McCarthy demanded. McCarthy said he did not have time to address whatever the 1.5 degrees number means as he was busy renegotiating an agreement with Marjorie Taylor Green that requires him to leave the bathroom stall door open when he uses the restroom.

Oklahoma Republican Senator Jim Inhofe called the report a fraud funded by George Soros and the radical left socialists, who continue brainwashing people into believing that apocalyptic floods that wash away their homes are not normal. “If climate change is real, how come it was freezing in my house last night even with the heat on?” Inhofe said. His wife later confirmed she accidentally turned on the air conditioning.

Conoco Phillips, which plans to carbon bomb the planet with its Willow Project in Alaska, significantly increased the use of the words “net zero,” “sustainability,” and “climate solutions” on its website, following the UN report. They said they have no plans to reduce their carbon emissions, but believe that PJAE has a good shot of winning American Idol. “We fully support moving up the finale and believe it will be necessary,” Conoco Phillips CEO Todd Buckholtz said.


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