House Republicans voted unanimously today to enact legislation that offers mass shooters the right to continue picking off their fellow citizens at will. Disgruntled ex-employees, mentally ill former students, and white men of all ages with domestic violence convictions celebrated the achievement. Titled No Guns Left Behind (NGLB), the bill specifies that whether law-abiding American citizens are in a school, grocery store, nightclub, or place of worship, they have “the same God-given unalienable right to get shot and killed as anyone living in a third-world, lawless country.” The bill stipulates that “no government or individual can strip Americans of their natural-born right to get senselessly and violently murdered.”

While Americans have always had the opportunity to die by gunfire, Republicans said the legislation will ensure that the Democrats “cannot do anything to take away everyone’s right to perish in a hail of bullets from someone they don’t know, regardless of age, race, or sexual orientation.” House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said, “Look, whether it’s a random bullet to the head from an AR-15 while you’re in the produce aisle or a body-destroying shot to the stomach as you’re praying, every American can now rest assured that nobody will deprive them of their right to become a gun violence statistic.”