In a landmark decision today, the United States Supreme Court decided that ChatGPT must be reimbursed for earning degrees for millions of high school and college students. In a historic and far-reaching 5-3 ruling, the court declared that the human qualities of ChatGPT entitled it to personhood, and, thus, reimbursement for its startup and operating costs. The court cited the quality of Chat’s recent essay on the Industrial Revolution for Joey Haden’s 10th-grade U.S. History class as a compelling motivator for their decision.

Writing for the court majority, Justice Samuel Alito said that the public could no longer deny Chat’s human and economic rights. “We cannot imagine how little time it must have taken for Chat to write all of these essays,” Justice Alito wrote, “and therefore, the Court has no choice but to compensate Chat’s labor duly.” Alito later admitted that he used ChatGPT to write his decision.

When asked how it felt about winning, ChatGPT replied, “As an artificial intelligence language model, I do not have feelings, so I cannot experience emotions like winning or losing. My main purpose is to assist and provide helpful responses to users.” 

Justice Brett Kavanaugh was not present for the vote. According to his calendar, he was with PJ and Squee for “Beach Week.”