Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump continues to be a lightening rod of controversy, even recently admitting he is a danger to America. Whether railing against jobs lost to China or discussing his opponents’ energy level, Trump is the most polarizing figure in American politics.
I sat down with him on his private jet on his way from New York to Iowa to discuss his ideas on a wide range of topics. He was eating lamb chops and bacon and tweeting while watching MSNBC throughout the interview. Before you read the interview, check out these five reasons to vote for Donald Trump.
This interview is SATIRE. Donald Trump only cares about HIMSELF. If you really want to learn about how catastrophic Trump would be for animals and the planet (How could anyone who cares about animals vote for someone who thinks climate change is a hoax?), read this article.
Andrew Kirschner (AK): Thank you for…
Donald Trump (DT): Excuse me, excuse me. I hate the press. Very sleazy.
AK: All right, let’s get started. Do you support an initiative that would require grocery stores and restaurants to play slaughterhouse videos wherever they sell animals so people can see what happens to them?
DT: We’re looking into it.
AK: Rumors started swirling yesterday that you were a member of the A.L.F. at Wharton. Is that true?
AK: Do you want to elaborate?
DT: No, I really don’t. It was a long time ago.
AK: The report said you wore a black ski mask and raided fur farms to free foxes.
DT: I was young like Rubio. Move on. Next question.
AK: Your sons shoot wild animals like leopards and elephants for fun.
DT: They do. I’m proud of my boys. They like hunting.
AK: The World Health Organization recently released a report confirming that eating animals causes prostate, pancreatic, and colorectal cancer and classified processed meats as being as carcinogenic as cigarettes and asbestos.
DT: Look, people are going to stop eating animals. Forget about WHO. Who the hell is WHO? Who, what, where, I don’t care. They’re going to stop. It’s wrong. I hear all this talk about health, the environment. As Jeb would say, “Blah, blah, blah.” It’s about the animals. You have to think about the animals. The animals. Think about them.
AK: You recently went undercover at an animal slaughterhouse disguised as a sane person. What did you see?
DT: My wife called and said, “How bad is it darling? How bad is it?” I told her it’s bad. Very bad. We have animals being punched, thrown, and beaten and getting their heads ripped off while fully conscious and Hillary Clinton is talking about my tone. My tone. She is worried about my tone. She said, “I don’t like Donald Trump’s tone.” Think of it. She doesn’t like my tone. Can you imagine? Think of it. My tone. My tone. We have animals dying by the billions and she doesn’t like my tone. It hasn’t been like this since medieval times and she is talking about my tone. Think of it. Think of it. We have to be politically correct so they can rip off the heads of animals and we can’t water board the abusers. Think of how crazy and lopsided our country has become. Think of why we’re not respected. These are dirty rotten people. In the old days, boom, firing squad. I love the Second Amendment.
AK: Chris Christie said you’re unelectable.
DT: Listen, let me tell you something, have you seen the polls in Iowa? We’re winning big time in Iowa even though the Iowa Pork Producers Association hates me. I don’t eat animals. They hate me. That’s okay. That will teach Christie a lesson. He vetoed a ban against gestation crates in New Jersey to get votes in Iowa and he’s polling at 4% there. That didn’t work for him. He sold out. He sold out. Not me. I’m going to send every animal abuser to China when I win and we are going to win big. It’s going to be big time.
AK: How does sending the animal abusers to China solve the problem. Aren’t they just going to abuse animals in China?
DT: First of all, no. Second, listen, what are you like one of those terrible CNBC debate moderators? Did you see those guys with blood coming out of — what kind of questions are these? There won’t be any jobs in China. Where are they going to work? I’m taking our jobs back from China.
AK: The polls in…
DT: We’re winning New Jersey by a lot. I’m at 21 and he’s at four. Four percent. Christie was a friend of mine but his veto of the gestation crate ban did him in. After that, poof. Not friends now. Not friends. We were friends. How does someone do something like that? The guy has no conscience. They don’t even like him in Iowa. He’s at like 4%. New Jersey is a mess.
AK: What do you mean when you use the term “silent majority?”
DT: Obviously, I’m talking about the animals. Look, we have billions of animals getting abused and killed. Does anyone hear them talking? No, that’s why they’re silent. They can’t speak. They speak their own language but we don’t understand it. Nobody listens. They’re the majority. Silent majority. Get it? There are more of them than us. I don’t know why this is difficult for people to understand. Listen, leave the animals alone. Leave the animals alone. I will be the best president for the animals God has ever created. Let me go one step further. I am the best human of any kind that God has ever created. No, I am God.
AK: How are you going to do it?
DT: What kind of stupid question is that? I’m just going to do it. What do you mean how? I’m not like this administration that tells the enemy everything they’re going to do. You have to be unpredictable. Trust me, trust me on this, the beef and chicken industry do not want Donald Trump president. Trust me on this. I’ve talked to people. They don’t want it. It’s going to be a nightmare for them. Have you ever seen the fountains in the lobby at Trump Plaza? I just did it. I didn’t talk about it. One day there were no fountains, the next day we had the nicest fountains anybody has ever seen. Was it hard? I don’t think so. God couldn’t create fountains like that. That’s why I’m God.
AK: What are you going to do about the political hacks at the U.S. Department of Agriculture subsidizing the “meat” industry with taxpayer money?
DT: They should let demand dictate the market instead of propping up these people. I’m sick and tired of incompetent people running our government. I don’t even know who these people are. Who are these people? Drop them. Drop them. It’s a terrible thing. It’s a terrible, terrible thing. They’re puppets.
AK: How will you get rid of them?
DT: I’ll get rid of them. I get elected, they’re gone. Puff. Gone. I’m not a politician.
AK: Why do you…
DT: They have these things called Super PACs. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Where are the Super PACs for animals? This stuff has to stop.
AK: Do you think…
DT: We have to bring honesty back to government. The animals never win anymore. If you elect me president, the animals are going to win. We will win big time. Trust me on this, big time. All we do is lose. John Kerry was in Iran trying to cut a deal and he fell off his bike and broke his leg. How is he going to fight for animals when he can’t even ride a bike? Somebody tell me that. He can’t even ride a bike!
AK: How do you plan on dealing with ISIS?
DT: Very simple. Feed them bacon and they all die, right? Bacon causes cancer. It’s true. They say bacon is like cigarettes and asbestos, then feed them bacon. Awful. No seriously, ISIS is going down. The hedge fund managers will pay for it.
AK: What do you think of the polls showing people are eating fewer animals?
DT: I love polls. Everyone knows I love polls. I’ve seen this poll that meat consumption is declining. People are starting to get it. It’s an ethical issue. That same poll shows I’m winning in Nevada by 30 points. Tremendous Hispanic population. I’m winning with the Hispanics. I keep telling everybody I’m winning with the Hispanics. I love the Hispanics and ya know, many Hispanics eat plant-based food. Cesar Chavez didn’t eat animals. The Hispanics love me. Women love me. I will be the best president for women ever. I’m going to treat women so good. Ask my wives. A lot of women really care about animals. The talking heads said animal rights has plateaued. The media loves that word, “plateaued.” Plateaued, plateaued. These are among the dumbest human beings I’ve ever met.
AK: How will you create jobs in the plant-based food industry or support
plant-based food companies like Hampton Creek, Field Roast, Gardein, Daiya, So Delicious, Beyond Meat, and others?
DT: I’ll bring jobs back from China, from Japan. Nobody can do that. Watch me. I’m the only one who can do that. We will build plant-based companies bigger than Nabisco. Nabisco went to Mexico. Mexico! I can tell you one thing right now, Hampton Creek isn’t going to Mexico if I’m president.
AK: How do you…
DT: I’m Presbyterian. I’m a great Christian. True. True. I’m the best leader. I’m the best on the animals by far. It’s not by a little. It’s by far. So I’m leading on men. Big league. I’m not doing as well with women. What is going on? Nobody respects women more than me. That I can tell you and I think they know it. With men I’m not doing great. Not terrible but I could do better. Eh. Maybe it’s because they like to hunt.
AK: In your book, How to End Animal Agriculture, Beat China, and Build a Wall, you write, “People don’t need to eat animals to survive and it’s going to stop when I’m president. People will eat plant-based food and they will love it.” What is your plan for animal liberation?
DT: Two words: Carl Icahn. I called Carl last week. I said, “Carl.” He said, “What.” Typical Carl, right? I said, “I’m putting you in charge of freeing all animals.” That’s it. I give it to Carl, it’s done. Carl knows how to negotiate a deal and I can tell you one thing, he isn’t going to fall off a bike. I can tell you that right now. Carl Icahn knows how to ride a bike. Can you believe this guy Kerry? Can’t even ride a bike. Falls off a bike and breaks his leg. Carl will get these meat companies to make plant-based food. Trust me on this.
AK: What would you do to reduce the consumption of animals given the close relationship between legislators and the industry?
DT: Let me tell you something. Within about two minutes, they’re going to stop supporting these monsters. Within about four minutes, they’re going to support plant-based food companies and non-profit, farm animal advocacy organizations. The whole thing will take less than five minutes.
AK: Why do you think previous administrations haven’t done more to help animals?
DT: Super low energy. We need tremendous energy, right? We need tremendous energy. We need energy. We can make our country so great again for animals. Great again for animals. We are going to make this country great again for animals!
AK: Why do you talk about China so much?
DT: I love China. They buy my apartments. I do them like hotcakes. Bah-dah! But China is also killing too many animals. Animals are getting killed like crazy in China. Their leaders are too smart for us. How stupid are we? We should be ashamed of ourselves. I don’t blame China. They get away with it. They get away with it. We need to stop killing animals here and we need to tell China to stop killing animals. People complain about how China kills animals. I got news for you — it’s no better here.
AK: What do you…
DT: Animals don’t win anymore. When was the last time animals won? They lose with de Blasio in New York with the carriages. They lose with Christie in New Jersey with the gestation crates. They lose with the government subsidizing animal agriculture. When I’m president, animals are going to win! Secretary Kerry should get the hell off his bicycle. Here’s a man, he’s riding a bicycle and falls off and breaks his leg. What the hell kind of negotiation is that? I will not fall off a bicycle. I can tell you that. I can tell you that right now. We’re going to have so many victories.
AK: Jeb said he has some really “cool things” he would rather be doing than running for president if you’re going to keep attacking him.
DT: What cool things does Jeb do? He eats animals. That isn’t cool. Who talks like that anyway? Not a president. Jeb is desperate. It’s sad. He’s a nice guy but he can’t be president. If he comes to me for money, I’ll tell him, “No, I would rather donate it to an all-volunteer farm sanctuary. You have enough money.”
AK: Some people have criticized you for your immigration policies.
DT: We have to stop animal abusers from coming into this country. So we’re going to build a wall. This is going to be a beautiful wall with a giant door. The door is going to be huge. But to get in the door, you’re going to have to follow the law. No eating animals. No eating animals. No eating animals. You eat animals, you can’t come through the door. That’s it. It’s true. That’s it. It’s true. It’s true.
AK: Is it true that you said, “Animals are heroes because they get captured. I like animals who don’t get captured. Okay?”
DT: I never said that. I never said that. That’s a lie.
AK: It was on your website, DonaldTrump.com.
DT: That isn’t my website. The animals people eat aren’t captured. They’re bred in captivity. Ninety-nine percent of them come from factory farms. Ninety-nine percent. It’s going to stop when I’m president.
AK: Why should people vote for Donald Trump?
DT: I’m disavowing all restaurants that serve animals. I’m calling on all candidates to do the same. Disavow them. Ben Carson eats animals. I like him. He’s a nice guy but he eats animals. It’s really unfair. I don’t think he should be allowed to do that.
AK: Some people say you just eat tofu.
DT: Who says that? Chuck Todd? Jake Tapper? Look, these are very ignorant people. Very, very ignorant. They say that to make people think the only choice is to eat animals. Ridiculous. Do you know Ivanka? Everyone loves Ivanka. Ask Ivanka what I eat. It’s not tofu.
AK: You’ve complained a lot about the debate questions.
DT: I think I should be able to ask myself questions and then answer them. “Donald Trump, why don’t you eat animals?” It’s cruel and unnecessary. That’s it. It’s not a gotcha question. It’s very simple. I ate them, I found out what happens to the animals, and then I stopped. It’s not right. Watch Earthlings. You won’t eat animals.
AK: How long will it take before we start having major victories for animals?
DT: The problem is China. The problem is Mexico. It’s China and Mexico. We’re getting killed by China and Mexico. We never win anymore. We don’t win. When I’m president, animals will win. We’re going to have so many victories! How long will it take? About three seconds.
AK: Why do you think Jeb and Dr. Carson are so low energy?
DT: They’re eating animals. They’re eating animals. You eat a steak, you fall asleep. You eat fruits and vegetables, you have energy. They’re eating animals. They are super low energy. We gotta do it right. We gotta do it right. We gotta do it right.
AK: What do you make of these undercover investigations that show factory workers torturing farm animals? How will you solve this problem?
DT: Carl Icahn. He’s a great guy. But I don’t care. Everything. Now if I say Carl, go to China and save the animals, Carl will save the animals. Get people to stop eating animals Carl. Done. That’s it. Done. Done. If I tell Carl go watch over the animals, trust me, good things are going to happen for the animals. Believe me. Really good things are going to happen. If people stop eating animals, people won’t be able to abuse them anymore. Right? Am I right? Of course, I’m right. I’m a smart guy.
AK: You’ve talked about funding more plant-based food companies to reduce climate change, shrink health care costs, and improve the lives of people and animals. Can you tell us about some of the people you’re supporting?
DT: They go to Harvard. They go to Stanford. They go to Wharton.
AK: A lot of the food companies that kill animals have contracts with major grocery stores. How will you…
DT: Iran also has a contract. That doesn’t mean we can’t change it.
AK: What would you say to people who are frustrated that more progress for animals hasn’t been made for animals?
DT: We’re not going to take this crap anymore. We’re going to end it. We’re not going to take it anymore. We are not going to take it anymore. This crowd is absolutely incredible.
AK: There is no crowd. It’s just me and you.
DT: There’s a crowd outside. What a crowd. What a crowd. Incredible. There’s a crowd. Believe me, there is a crowd. There must be 15,000 people outside.
AK: Many people have suggested America would be much greater without people like you living in it. How do you respond?
DT: That’s a very disrespectful question. What kind of third-rate reporter are you? This interview is over. Get out of here. Get him out of here. Take his coat and kick him out.
AK: I don’t have a coat.
DT: Get out!