WASHINGTON — Dozens of House Democrats staged a “sit-in” on the House floor Wednesday and insisted they will not leave until politicians listen to the voice of the American people. Legislators pledged to “occupy” the House carpet until their demands are met or the maintenance staff comes to vacuum. C-SPAN cameras were turned off leaving millions of people wondering if they get C-SPAN.

“We are demanding that every factory farm from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire to the mighty mountains of New York be closed,” Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) stated. “We insist that everybody who works in animal agriculture from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania to the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado find a new job in the plant-based food industry. And we must insist that from the curvaceous slopes of California to this carpet on which we sit, here in the United States House of Representatives, that all people, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, or religion, stop eating animals.”

“Donald Trump is a lousy businessman and a thin-skinned bully,” Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Ma.) explained. “His Trump Steaks are gross and his sons shoot elephants and leopards for fun. He is lying to the American people about his stance on animal agriculture! We will sit here until every farmed animal is free, every grocery store shelf is filled with vegan food, and every farm sanctuary and farmed animal advocacy organization is properly funded!” Warren added as she shoved entire blocks of tofu in her mouth and swallowed them whole.

Retina Markinson, a spokesperson for the powerful animal agriculture industry, said they are not to blame for the violence. “Bolt guns don’t kill animals,” she stated. “People kill animals. If people stop eating animals, the animals will stop getting killed.”

The House is not expected to vote on the bill until the animal agriculture industry stops funding their campaigns.