When my father unexpectedly passed away last week, I felt shock, devastation, and disbelief. I also felt gratitude and love. In the days that followed, I’ve walked through life only half present—my cheeks heavy, my steps unsteady, the world around me a blur. From the moment I received the call, my mind has battled regrets and what-ifs, even as I try to hold on to the extraordinary life my father and I shared. But this is not a story of what I wish I had done differently. It’s first and foremost the story of a remarkable man who was my best friend, mentor, and hero.

My father shaped so much of who I am, and his lessons continue to guide me. I share them now in the hope that they serve as a compass for parents striving to be their best—and as a reminder to children to recognize the countless gifts good parents give them.

Based on my experience with my father, here is my advice on how to be a great father.

Listen.
My father was a master listener. I always knew that no matter what happened, he would give me his full attention. He kept me calm, reminded me I’d be all right, and offered solutions only when I needed them. I can still hear his voice: “Andrew, take the high road. Meet aggression with kindness. In a few days, you’ll forget it ever happened. No matter what, you’re still my #1 son.” Listen to your child.

Participate.
He always made time for me. I can’t remember a single time I asked him to do something and he said no. One Saturday morning, exhausted from work, he still drove me to a baseball card show without hesitation. It was so impactful and made me feel so loved that I remember his response decades later. That moment—like so many others—showed his selfless parenting. He threw a baseball with me, read to me, helped me land my first job, visited me at college, attended events I organized, and spoke with me daily. His presence made me feel loved, and that love made my life immeasurably better. Participate in your child’s life.

Forgive.
My father’s love was unconditional. There was no mistake I ever made for which he did not forgive me immediately. He never held a grudge and never showed disappointment in me. At times in my life, I was challenging and impatient. He never showed me that it bothered him. He understood me. He just kept being my father. Forgive quickly and keep loving your child.

Share perspective.
My father always had perspective and instilled it in me. I must have complained to him a thousand times. In his calm and measured voice, he settled me down. He didn’t allow me to waste time on pettiness. He taught me that we only have limited time and that we should use it for good purpose. My father didn’t yell or complain. He was patient and kind. He defined his role as a father and always stuck to his plan. Be a grounding force for your child.

Model positive interactions with family.
My father loved family. He taught me to do the same — to visit them, call them, write to them, and care for them. He would often ask, “Have you spoken with your sister?” I had but he always wanted to make sure. When extended family members were in the hospital, my father would visit repeatedly. When I attended his aunt’s funeral as a child, I remember relatives telling him how incredible he was to spend so much time visiting her. He taught me to be there for people in their time of need. Model the importance of family and be present during difficult times.

Love.
There was never a day in my life when I didn’t feel that my father loved me. I spoke with my Dad a few hours before he passed away. I was preparing to move him nearby me so I could cook for him and we could spend more time together. His final words to me after I gave him an update on the move were, “Thank you. I appreciate it very much.” I appreciated him and he appreciated me. We were always trying to find ways to help each other. We loved each other so much and cared about each other every day.  Love your child immensely—so much that they can’t imagine being loved more.

Demonstrate humor.
My father was incredibly funny, frequently not on purpose. When he would talk about playing bridge, he would often say that the bridge players were “a bunch of characters.” But he was the biggest character. I will always remember our adventures together. Searching for an apartment with my father was analogous to finding the answers to life’s greatest mysteries. There was no stone left unturned. No amount of training could have prepared leasing agents. Laugh with your child.

Show gratitude.
My father taught me to stay grounded. He never asked for things. He lived a very modest life and taught me to do the same. I would offer to get him something new and he would kindly reply, “What the heck do I need that for?” He grew up in a more modest time. I always admired that quality in him and followed his lead. I’m thankful for these lessons he taught me. Show your child how to appreciate the most simple things in life.

Build self-esteem.
When classmates teased me about my nose and ears, he reassured me: “Andrew, your nose and ears are a combination of your parents’ and grandparents’. They’re very special. It’s not how they look, it’s where they came from that matters.” That’s all I needed to hear. Make connections with your child that build self-worth.

Live your values.
After my father passed away, I found a letter he wrote to a friend in which he discussed his disdain for a house guest who made racist remarks. He told her that he no longer would participate in any activities during which she was present because he was so offended. I never heard my parents make a derogatory remark about a person based on gender, race, sexuality, or religion. My father once said to me, “Andrew, be too busy finding ways to maximize your potential that you don’t have time to judge others.” Teach your children to embrace and learn from differences.

Practice humility.
Only after he passed did I find awards, magazine features, and letters recognizing his achievements—none of which he ever mentioned. When I repeatedly asked to interview him about his life, he finally relented only two months before his death. He never wanted to talk about himself; he always wanted to talk about me. Teach your child the quiet strength of humility.

Offer comfort beyond your lifetime.
In his final act of greatness and generosity, my father left a note for my sister and me in the event of an unexpected tragedy. I read it once. It was so beautiful and painful that I don’t know if I can ever read it again. In the letter, he told us that it is “all right to visit the past from time to time but not to live in the past.” I should have expected that from my Dad. He wants us to be at peace. He was always so cheerful and positive. He understood that tomorrow wasn’t promised to him. His gratitude made me feel better about life and enabled me to focus on doing good in the world. At the end of the his letter, he wrote that his children were his “monuments to the world.” Show your child that you’re grateful and grounded. Consider leaving them a note in the event of a tragic and unexpected ending to your life.

I’ve been taking my Dad’s advice every day since he passed. In doing so, I’ve learned that a great father never truly dies. His voice still guides me, his lessons still shape me, and his love still sustains me. I miss him more than I can adequately express, but the overwhelming grief has sharpened my memory of what he meant in my life.

My father was the perfect father. I hope these lessons help you strive to be one for your monuments.