DeSantis Declares War on Disney World; Bombs Magic Kingdom and Annexes Toy Story Land

In an unprecedented military operation, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis declared war on Disney World Orlando on Tuesday. Florida residents reported plumes of smoke across the state as B-52s dropped bombs on the resort and theme park. Eyewitnesses reported that six of the Seven Dwarfs were killed in a blast north of the TRON Lightcycle. One of the dwarfs survived by fleeing to the Prince’s castle after disabling his attacker with a poisoned apple. 

“After failed negotiations to halt a woke Little Mermaid ride scheduled to open next summer, I ordered a military strike on Disney Orlando,” said DeSantis. “Our brave armed forces have seized control of Magic Kingdom. We’re holding Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom and occupying Toy Story Land after a protracted battle with the Green Army Men.”

DeSantis admitted that forces encountered resistance on the streets of Diagon Alley beneath Gringotts bank but expected to advance to the village of Hogsmeade and into Hogwarts castle within days. “The wizards presented a challenge in the Forbidden Forest, but we won’t be deterred by the radical Potterheads mob,” said DeSantis. The presidential hopeful would not comment on the number of casualties suffered at the Jurassic World Velocicoaster but admitted Florida Power & Light had failed to turn on the electric fences.

Rebel Commander Bob Iger said Disneyland California sent Pirates of the Caribbean, Dumbo the Flying Elephant, and Buzz Lightyear to help repel DeSantis. He added that he would summon Aladdin if the occupiers did not withdraw before 4:00 p.m. when the all-you-can-eat dinner starts at Chef Mickey’s. Strange World’s Ethan Clade, the leader of the resistance movement, will deliver a speech to a joint session of Congress on Thursday. 


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