ARCHIPELAGO — After getting caught milking Republican donors for millions of dollars in gifts, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas released a statement on Friday to clear his good name.

“I am deeply troubled that the recent allegations against me might give the impression that I would sell my soul to a mega-wealthy Democrat donor. So, I want to begin by making it abundantly clear: This Supreme Court justice is only bought and paid for by super-rich Republican donors.  

My lovely wife Ginny and I are outraged at the hit job on us for taking a few million dollars worth of trips to places mere peons like you could not identify on a map. Our Republican sponsor has no cases before the Supreme Court—only a vested interest in all of them. And at no time did I smoke a Gurka Royal Courtesan cigar with my special friend, discuss the Supreme Court’s docket over filet mignon and a bottle of Chateau Lafite’s 1869 on his 400-foot yacht, or repeatedly wink at him. The smear campaign must end.

Every American knows that part of working on the Supreme Court includes flying on a Bombardier Global 500 jet, island hopping in a volcanic archipelago on a superyacht staffed by a coterie of attendants and a private chef, and $500,000 island vacations at the Bohemian Club and billionaire resorts. It is part of the benefits package—no different than the dental plan your employer gives you. My Indonesian scuba diving instructor agrees that the charges against me are outrageous.

Finally, I want to clarify a statement I repeatedly made that the Michelangelo woke mob and radical-left media have distorted. When I said I prefer RV parks and Walmart parking lots to the beaches and that I come from regular stock, I meant 40,000 shares of Microsoft stock that a special friend gifted to me on a catamaran in the Turks and Caicos Islands, so stop twisting my words. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to catch a flight to Monaco.”