We’re having an Easter party at Mar-a-Lago. It’s going to be huge. People are saying it’s going to be the greatest Easter party ever. We’re going to have the largest Easter egg hunt in history. We’re using thousands of ostrich eggs, so they’re going to be so big and beautiful like nothing anybody has ever seen unless they have an ostrich. I’m donating my entire salary to buy the paint for the Easter eggs. A lot of people don’t give me credit for donating my salary. You know, I have a thing called Article II. No, it’s true. I never talk about it, but I can do whatever the hell I want. If I want to hide the eggs, I can do that. Everyone’s saying I’m the best at hiding things.

A lot of people don’t know this, but they call the virus COVID-19. Started under Obama. The 19 stands for the number of times I told him to take care of it. It should have been done a long time ago. A coal miner with no head came up to me with tears in his eyes, and he said, “Sir, thank you for stopping China. My wife wasn’t talking to me, and now she said she loves me again because you stopped the flights, sir.” I also sent the cruise ships back out to sea. Nobody knows where they are, and I don’t even talk about it, but I deserve credit. They’re cruising. That’s what they paid for, so they should thank their president.

Our economy isn’t built for a virus, but nobody knows more about COVFEFE-19 than me. That I can tell you. I’ve been a sick puppy my entire life. Much sicker than this flu hoax. Don’t listen to the fake scientists and doctors. There are a lot of cures for COVID. You can try aquarium solvent and garlic, or mix five cups of all-purpose flour, 10 eggs, one cup of vegetable oil, and sugar. Oh wait, that’s a cake recipe. But I have a gut feeling it works. It’s a hunch. I have a natural ability for pandemics. My brain is really fantastic. It’s so big. They say the numbers are going up and everybody’s inside. Maybe if everybody goes outside, the numbers go down. Think of it. I want low numbers. The numbers are going bing, bing, bong. Anyway, people are not dying; they’re just sleeping. I call it the deep state. Fauci, don’t move.

I never ask for credit, except a little bit of gratitude for the tests and everything else that has ever gone right. I just ordered three billion test kits on Ebay from scammer88. They said it was going to cost $5 trillion and I got them for 80 bucks with two-day delivery–the same price I paid for the embassy in Israel. So cheap. Crying Chuck doesn’t get a test because his tears are fake. And no tests for that woman in Michigan or that nasty reporter from PBS. She worked at the Times, and now she works for PBS. How do you explain that? No, really, think about it. If you’re nice to me, you get a test, but you have to be nice. We have beautiful test kits. So perfect, like my phone call. If you don’t use the test, you can save it as a souvenir. Really fantastic memory.

People don’t realize, they don’t know, but everybody’s talking about this virus. It’s in like 151 countries. People had no idea we had so many countries. Imagine how many states. I won’t even talk about the towns. There could be millions of towns. So many. But we’re breaking all the records this month. Most number of cases. Best ratings since the final episode of Criminal Minds. Everyone is tuning in to see their president’s Easter plans. The MyPillow.com guy will be there. Maybe I’ll hide an egg in a pillow. We’ll see what happens. A lot of people ask about my properties because really we have some of the most fantastic buildings in the world. We’re at full capacity. God bless this nation–some say it’s a country, but I’ve been saying that all along.