Toilet paper hoarders are America’s new villain. Perhaps because we’ll need toilet paper to clean up Trump’s mess long after COVID-19 magically disappears. It’s a fitting metaphor for the nation to stock up on toilet paper to survive the final months of a president who has inundated us with his crap for decades.
Stores better restock shelves quickly because the next president will need toilet paper to clean up the gross and unforgivable damage Trump has done to our planet. Congress will need toilet paper to wipe up Trump’s fiscal mess–running up $1 trillion annual budget deficits while ignoring the most pressing problems of our time. And the American people will need toilet paper to scrub away Trump’s toxic stain on our culture.
At a Rose Garden attack-the-press conference last week, a reporter asked the Space Force General why he disbanded the White House pandemic office. He bristled at the “nasty” question. Another reporter asked our dictator-in-training why he refused test kits from the World Health Organization and stalled tests during the crucial early days of the virus. He replied, “I don’t take responsibility at all.” The buck stops everywhere else. George Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” banner has nothing on this guy. Trump’s banner would read, “Mission was a Hoax.”
If this menace to society weren’t president, he’d be selling Purell on eBay for $50 a bottle, enrolling people in a fake online class on how to profit off the crisis, and using money from a COVID-19 charity to buy oil paintings of himself. But the emperor lost his underwear last week when he couldn’t find the pieces to his con game. When he stated he memorized the Stafford Act–a 182-page emergency FEMA document, the claim didn’t even tilt America’s pinball machine. We’ve grown accustomed to his pathological lying, embarrassing arrogance, and failure to rely on experts.
Trump’s Poseidon Adventure continues to sink to new depths. With his gaudy gold curtains behind him, he reminded Americans there’s no crisis during which he won’t heap praise on himself for making all the best decisions. Left to his own devices, he would have sent the cruise ship passengers back out to sea. And in a move of staggering incompetence, his lack of specificity in his Oval Office speech left Americans believing they were trapped in Europe, which caused a stampede of travelers at a Paris airport amid social distancing. Sadly, we’ve become inured to the lunacy of Stephen Miller and his slumlord son-in-law writing his speeches.
COVID-19 backed up Trump’s toilet because it directly and immediately affects people. Not even the Watergate plumbers could unclog his miscalculation as the stock market recorded its worst day since the 1987 crash. Trump’s delay, doubting, misinformation, and name-calling reminds us why experience matters. He escaped a crisis for three years, but the risks of electing a fraud to lead a country finally laid bare. And perhaps the greatest irony is that a president who has divided us more than any in modern history presides over an era of mandatory social distancing. How could we get any farther apart?
And how many more times must we listen to Mike Pence commend Trump’s decisive action and courageous leadership? It’s a wonder barf bag sales haven’t surpassed toilet paper.
Trump sporadically vacates the teleprompter to sound authentic and informed, but he doesn’t know what to say because he isn’t intelligent, lacks curiosity, and doesn’t read. He’s incapable of expounding on an idea, showing evidence of learning, or empathizing. Captain Obvious declared a national emergency, and told us those are “big words.” Take that, FDR! Undoubtedly, laid off workers and mourning families appreciated the clarification. Every time Trump leaves the teleprompter, he exposes his cruelty, idiocy, pettiness, and lack of knowledge. He said, “I like the numbers where they are.” Those numbers are people, not stocks. But this thief masquerading as a tycoon can’t grasp the impact of a crisis because he’s only driven by profits, doting lackeys, and dictators.
A few months ago, Trump dragged a lone piece of toilet paper on the bottom of his shoe as he boarded Air Force One–a harbinger of the toilet paper pandemic wiping away his presidency. He said COVID-19 would disappear like a miracle. It won’t, but he will if we vote in November. For people who survive this virus, they’ll be sick for days; Trump’s presidency will sicken us for the rest of our lives. His lack of preparedness, deceit, ill-advised decisions, and leadership void drove Americans to stock up on enough toilet paper to last a lifetime–the most fitting end to a presidency that has always been full of crap.