Vice-President Mike Pence announced plans today to put coronavirus victims through conversion therapy to rid them of the disease. “This isn’t how they were born–and this isn’t what God wants for them,” Pence explained. Pence directed victims to go to church, ask for forgiveness, and never tell their parents. Mother will assist with rehabilitation efforts. “We’ve redirected funding from the CDC to help them change their behavior,” Pence added.

When asked about the coronavirus, the threat of a pandemic, and his cuts to the CDC budget, Trump said, “It was a perfect call. Ukraine got the money. No quid pro quo. How the hell did Greta get the cover? I kept more promises than I made. Nobody has ever seen anything like this. No, it’s true. And they give the award to Parasite?”

Trump added, “People are saying, ‘How did we get so lucky to have a president like this?’ A guy comes up to me with tears in his eyes–a blind Navy Seal with no legs who works in a coal mine–and he says to me, ‘Sir, my wife thought I was a monster until you became president and now she said she realizes I’m not so bad.’ And they say, ‘Oh, he does Emoluments.’ I have a little thing called Article II, folks. I can do whatever the hell I want. I didn’t need this job.”