McConnell Announces Impeachment Trial Rules

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced the rules for Donald Trump’s impeachment trial on Thursday. McConnell said each member of the Senate will have access to the board, two dice, tokens, 32 houses, 12 hotels, Chance and Community Chest cards, a Title Deed card for each property, and play money.

McConnell will start the trial by giving each senator $1,500 in play money divided as follows: 2 each of $500’s, $100’s and $50’s; 6 $20’s; 5 each of $10’s, $5’s and $1’s. All remaining money and other equipment will be held by Steve Mnuchin.

Mick Mulvaney will read the rules on the floor of the Senate. Mulvaney said, “If players don’t like the rules, it’s tough. We play it this way all the time. They need to get used to it.”

Ben Carson will be in charge of giving out the houses. Loans will only be given to people who work four jobs and commute more than 300 miles per day while raising at least five children. If senators choose to buy a hotel, they will be required to redirect all guests to a Trump property. Trump will assist senators if any of their hotels put them in bankruptcy.

Senators will land in Jail when (1) their token lands on the space marked “Go to Jail”; (2) they draw a card marked “Go to Jail”; (3) they roll the dice with their career three times in succession, or (4) they work in the Trump administration. If they land in Jail, they will join Trump associates Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen, Rick Gates, Michael Flynn, George Papadopoulos, and Roger Stone (called dibs on the Top Hat token when he’s released). To earn a presidential pardon, players must lie for Trump or do him a personal favor. No quid pro quo.

If the senators land on Income Tax, they have two options: They may estimate their tax at $200 and pay the Bank, or they may cover up their taxes for years by claiming the IRS is auditing them, and deceive the other players in the game indefinitely while hiding tax fraud, bankruptcies, and catastrophic losses in order to continue the charade that they’re wealthy. The senators with the most money will receive the biggest tax breaks.

If senators land on Water Works, they must turn on their dishwasher and flush their toilet 10 times. If the dishwasher goes “boom” or the toilet still doesn’t flush, they go back to Jail. If senators land on a property owned by Republicans, they will be deported.

The object of the game is to become the wealthiest player by disregarding the rules while buying property, pursuing their own self-interest, and evicting tenants without cause. Republican senators said they don’t expect to stop playing the game even after it ends.


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