Democrats Announce New Debate Format

The Democrat National Committee announced a new format for the debate in Los Angeles tonight. The debate will include 64 candidates, including 12 new candidates who declared today. Additional candidates may qualify if they meet any of the following criteria: (1) paid admission as an audience member, (2) current or former registered voter, or neither, or (3) raised $50,000 in rare coins from at least 100,000 people in the past 24 hours.

The DNC defined the debate format as follows:

In Round 1, the moderators will read a Trump quote and candidates will pull hair out of their head. Candidates who extract the most hair will move on to the next round.

In Round 2, the moderators will present a Trump poll in a swing state. Candidates will stick their head in a bucket and scream. Candidates will self-eliminate in this round.

In Round 3, candidates will listen to undecided voters, get in a truck, and drive off a cliff. Surviving candidates will move on to the final round.

In Round 4, moderators will read live Trump tweets during the debate, and candidates will take turns punching themselves in the face.

In the event of a tie, finalists will be hooked up to a blood pressure monitor while they watch video of Senator Mitch McConnell defending Trump. The candidate with the highest blood pressure will be declared the winner.

The debate is on PBS, so the candidates will be asked to discuss facts and solutions to Americans’ problems. As a result, Trump said he doesn’t plan on watching, but he will tweet about it.

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