Real estate agent Jared Kushner has cured the common cold. Working with researchers at MIT for the past two weeks, Kushner is credited with mapping the breakthrough gene sequence. “The President’s son-in-law disabled a single, apparently noncritical protein in cells that has foiled the virus,” explained Nitri Collier, head of at MIT’s Chemical Biology and Immunology Department.
“Once I cracked the code of the defense host peptides, it was easy,” Kushner said. “Not as easy as creating peace in the Middle East, but still easy,” he added.
The new medication, which will be called Mara Lago, resolves symptoms within two hours. Pfizer will sell the drug. Kushner said he has no conflicts of interest. He sits on the Board of Pfizer and owns stock in the company. He said he plans to sell his stock after it triples or if he hears the FDA is going to remove the drug from the market. Proceeds will go to the Donald J. Trump Foundation and the bulk purchase of more Donald Jr. books.
The MIT team credited Kushner’s background in condos for the breakthrough. Kushner now plans to move on to his next project, preventing the weaponization of pathogens resulting from technological progress in synthetic biology and genetic engineering.