To restore civility to the fabric of American society and fresh off a loss to a voter in Iowa, Vice-President Joe Biden challenged Donald Trump to a WWF-style steel cage match on Sunday.
“I’m going to flip him like a pancake and finish him off with a piledriver,” Biden told reporters while eating ice cream in Scranton. “I was riding Amtrak and a fella comes up to me and he says, ‘Hey, middle-class Joe, why do you let this guy Trump talk so much malarkey?’ No, it’s true, folks. You laugh, but it’s true. And I said to the guy, ‘The fact of the matter is, here’s the deal–here’s the bottom line–let me tell you something, Jack, we need to stop the bickering, which is why I’m going to settle this in the ring.’ But, guess what, folks. No, listen. My pop used to say to me, he would say, ‘Joey, sometimes you gotta take people out back and give ’em a real zinger to the chops.’ Back in the day, we used to call it a knuckle sandwich,” Biden said as he began nibbling on his campaign manager’s toes.
Trump, fresh off a loss to the world, suggested they hold the cage match at his Doral resort, which he described as “the best hotel for a fight or at least that’s what I heard.” He added, “People are saying the gladiators would have fought there instead of the Colosseum if they could. Mike Tyson endorsed me. All the tough guys endorse me. I like that, okay? I said Citizen Kane is the best movie. Nobody knew about it, and now everyone’s talking about it.”
Biden said Trump might give him a dead arm or a chop to the torso, but that he’ll be prepared to retaliate with a headlock and a noogie. He said if those moves don’t work, he may resort to a clothesline, figure four leg lock, or a dead leg. Andre the Giant’s widow is expected to attend the event.
Biden’s record is 2-18 with a career of losses that include Anita Hill, a yes vote on the Iraq War, unjust prison sentences, and a decision not to kill Osama Bin Laden.