Trump Delivers Eulogy for Mount Everest Climbers

I’m honored to speak with you today to remember the people we lost climbing what some say is the highest mountain. It’s really big and wet. Most people don’t realize. Maybe they slipped. Who the hell knows. We pay tribute to these fallen heroes. And that’s what they are–heroes. Of course, they fell so really if you think about it, fallen heroes. I prefer heroes who didn’t fall. That’s my kind of hero. But what are you going to do? There were a lot of people on that mountain–too many. Somebody should have maybe said something, like, “Hey, excuse me, I was here first. Get the hell out of here.” You gotta be tough, folks. If I was on that mountain, I wouldn’t have fallen, that I can tell you.

Speaking of big crowds, look at how many people are in this building. The fire marshall told me there were 10,000 more outside, but they couldn’t let them in. You didn’t see Crooked Hillary get these crowds. Do you remember election night? Nobody predicted it, folks. The polls were wrong. So wrong. But I have a very big a brain. No, it’s true. People don’t realize, but I think you get it. There were 16 people in that race. Some people said it was the best candidates ever–Rick Perry, Ben Carson. They call it the biggest win in history. We did Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin.

We hope the memories you share with your fallen loved ones and their passion for adventure carry you through these difficult days. There was no collusion, folks. It was a big fat lie. Now Mueller says crime. He said total exoneration, now he says crime. He’s a real sleazy guy. All because of a golf initiation fee. He didn’t want to pay. No, it’s true. I raised the fees. Can you blame me? What crime? Can you believe this? It’s a hoax. Trump didn’t need Russia.

Every family grieves with you as you say goodbye to those you lost. I’m the most transparent president in history. I think everyone agrees. I don’t want to hear the dirty “I” word. How can they impeach when I’m doing a good job? That’s not how it works, folks. They said, “Mr. Trump is not presidential.” It’s so easy to be presidential. Watch. Here’s presidential: I am Donald Trump. Hello, sir. Welcome, sir! Goodbye! It’s not hard, folks. I can do presidential in my sleep. Right?

The news of these climbers dying, whatever the hell happened, shocked the world. You go up, you may not come back down. Right? Look at all that dishonest media back there. They’ve gone down a long way since they started hitting us. I haven’t had a good story for years. I’m no fan of John McCain. That much I can tell you. They say, “Oh Mr. President, he’s dead. You shouldn’t talk about dead people.” We’re at a funeral, I can talk about dead people. Okay? Now the media is going to write, “Donald Trump insults John McCain at funeral for Mount Everest climbers.” No, you wait and see. They make stuff up. Fake news. A real beauty. He killed healthcare. You all remember. Thumbs down.

Your loved ones made the greatest sacrifice as they climbed to new heights. It was their dream. They wanted to go up. Maybe they went a little too far. Maybe not so far next time, right? People have been coming up to me with tears in their eyes telling me my face should be on the side of a mountain. I tell ya one thing, I could do it for a helluva lot cheaper than Rushmore did it. It took them like 20 years. What took so long? What the hell kind of rock takes 20 years?

None of us can know the pain you’re suffering over your loss, but the American people stand with you today, including African-Americans. African-American unemployment is the lowest it has been since slavery. No, it’s true. They’re coming up to me crying. Grown men with tears coming down. They say to me, “Mr. President, my life is too good now. I’m making too much money. It’s too easy.” Not since slavery, folks. People are actually getting tired of winning.

Watch, the media is going to write a story tomorrow, “Donald Trump is racist.” These are sick puppies. Excuse me, excuse me. I’ve been saying all along, Abraham Lincoln, and now people are starting to learn about him. Many people are comparing Trump.

To all the families who lost a loved one on the mountain, the American people are with you. Maybe play golf next time. Not so dangerous. Thank you.

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