Los Angeles – Vegan Police Chief Charlie Matcha issued an arrest warrant for pop singer Ariana Grande on Sunday morning. Grande is charged with four felonies: leaving Starbucks with a drink containing egg whites, pretending to be vegan, assault on the vegan high ground, and failure to appear vegan. If convicted, Grande could face excommunication from vegan society and a Twitter lambasting for up to eternity. Grande is expected to be arraigned all week on social media threads.
“We’re going to ask for the death penalty,” said L.A. Vegan District Attorney Mary Cacao. “If you’re not 100% vegan, you’re not vegan. This is a new era. Everyone learned that after Ellen. The days of promoting compassion to millions of fans most of the time are over. We’re going to make an example of her as we did with Beyonce so anyone thinking about being vegan 99% of the time thinks twice in the future.”
“What am I going to drink now?” asked a forlorn vegan as she left a Hollywood Starbucks with her head hanging low and no Cloud Macchiato in her hand. “I wanted to pay $4.95 for a drink filled with corn syrup and sugar. How could Ariana do this to me?”
Grande’s rescue dogs appeared unwilling to turn her over to authorities.