A furious vegan rushed to a local grocery store on Monday in search of Tyson Foods’ new plant-based chicken, which is scheduled to be released later this year. The vegan made clear to unsuspecting shoppers that she’s furious and refuses to buy it.
“Where is it? What aisle is it in?” the vegan yelled in front of a confused family looking at plant-based milks. “They’ll probably make it taste bad so people won’t eat it. I’ll never give them my money!”
“Can I help you?” a stock boy asked as he straightened rice packets on a shelf.
“Yes, I want to stop Tyson Foods from fooling people. If you want plant-based meat, go to your neighborhood co-op and buy the organic, small-batch, artisanal, local, shaman-blessed tofu. But make sure you don’t get the kind that was processed with hexane. I don’t know what’s wrong with hexane, or even what it is, but I know it’s bad like carrageenan,” she replied.
“Okay, were you looking for something in particular?”
“Yes, I’m looking for the Tyson Foods so-called plant-based chicken! I’m sure they’re going to process it in the same plant as their meat so it’s not even vegan!”
“Okay, we don’t carry that. We only carry the chicken they make by slaughtering chickens.”
“Okay, good! Please tell the manager that’s the only type of chicken I want you to sell here even though I don’t buy it. I don’t want people to give Tyson their money!”
“All right, I’ll pass on the message. No plant-based chicken in the store. Thank you for your feedback.”