Angry Vegan Demands End to Progress at Tyson Foods

A furious vegan rushed to a local grocery store on Monday in search of Tyson Foods’ new plant-based chicken, which is scheduled to be released later this year. The vegan made clear to unsuspecting shoppers that she’s furious and refuses to buy it.

“Where is it? What aisle is it in?” the vegan yelled in front of a confused family looking at plant-based milks. “They’ll probably make it taste bad so people won’t eat it. I’ll never give them my money!”

“Can I help you?” a stock boy asked as he straightened rice packets on a shelf.

“Yes, I want to stop Tyson Foods from fooling people. If you want plant-based meat, go to your neighborhood co-op and buy the organic, small-batch, artisanal, local, shaman-blessed tofu. But make sure you don’t get the kind that was processed with hexane. I don’t know what’s wrong with hexane, or even what it is, but I know it’s bad like carrageenan,” she replied.

“Okay, were you looking for something in particular?”

“Yes, I’m looking for the Tyson Foods so-called plant-based chicken! I’m sure they’re going to process it in the same plant as their meat so it’s not even vegan!”

“Okay, we don’t carry that. We only carry the chicken they make by slaughtering chickens.”

“Okay, good! Please tell the manager that’s the only type of chicken I want you to sell here even though I don’t buy it. I don’t want people to give Tyson their money!”

“All right, I’ll pass on the message. No plant-based chicken in the store. Thank you for your feedback.”


7 thoughts on “Angry Vegan Demands End to Progress at Tyson Foods

  1. Who does Tyson think their fooling? They don’t care about our chicken friends, they’re just looking to put more money in their pockets. Shame on them!

    1. Hi Barbie,

      Assuming you’re serious, which would be ironic–and not jokingly piling on my satire–Tyson isn’t trying to fool anyone. They didn’t announce they’re making plant-based meat to help save chickens. They stated they’re aware of the trends in consumer demand and they’re following the trends. They’re a publicly-traded company with shareholders. Profit is the goal. Their motive is immaterial.

      We want Tyson to put money in their pockets for selling plant-based meat. The more money they put in their pockets from selling it, the more plant-based meat they’ll make. Their customers currently eat chickens, thus, if more of their customers buy it, it will reduce the total number of chickens killed. It’s a winning formula.

      Thank you for your concern.

      You may find this article helpful:

  2. Oh Boy, Unfortunately there are a lot of vegans who will re act this way and not see the big picture . The big picture being that the tide is turning to less animal products and more plant based foods. For whatever reasons people have it will be good.

  3. This satire came right after I had an “eye roll” moment on FB (why, WHY do I even log in anymore?!). Someone shared (on a vegan group) an article by a vegan brazilian activist that stated that without a revolution take down capitalism it’s not really veganism… I mean, I get (and agree) that ultimately there is no ethical consumption under a capitalist global market, there is always someone, somewhere profiting from suffering. But come on! Am I supposed to wait for Jesus second coming to buy some seitan?

  4. The *most important* animal-friendly decisions take place in the marketplace when money is directed into vegan fare and vegan wear, whether it’s at the top floor of a corporate giant — Kroger’s headquarters is about eight miles away from where I sit — or the three Kroger stores within a few miles of where I sit (just south of Cincinnati). Each beep at the checkout line is a thumbs-up, thumbs-down decision. Trillion-dollar industries can be swayed one beep at a time, so beep well 🙂

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