The U.S. Geological Survey erroneously reported a magnitude 5.3 earthquake 14 miles south of Los Angeles today. People quickly took to social media to share photos. There have been no reports of severe injuries thus far although several egos were badly bruised. The USGS Earthquakes Hazards Program later issued a statement apologizing for the error.
“The ground shaking was not the result of an earthquake,” explained FEMA Director Brock Short, “but rather was caused from vegan outrage over the sale of Field Roast to a meat company.”
The comments on social media were swift and unforgiving.
“This is unacceptable!” exclaimed Dart Jensen as he filled up his Toyota with Mobil gasoline while talking on his iPhone. “I only buy from vegan-owned companies like So Delicious and Gardein! Field Roast is dead to me!”
“It’s not about strategies or reducing the number of animals killed,” said Alexis Noble from inside her bubble. “This is about my personal purity tests! My agenda, not theirs!”
“I’m boycotting Field Roast! I never liked them anyway! I bought their products every week but always hated them. Feh! I’m now boycotting more than 4,000 companies!” said activist Erika Doubthat.
“Field Roast has wheat gluten. I’m gluten-free so I don’t even care,” said Allison Freis.
Field Roast issued a statement apologizing for trying to maximize the distribution of their food to reach meat eaters. The Vegan Police Academy reported a spike in applications following the announcement.