Vegan Meltdown Over Field Roast Sale Mistaken for California Earthquake

The U.S. Geological Survey erroneously reported a magnitude 5.3 earthquake 14 miles south of Los Angeles today. People quickly took to social media to share photos. There have been no reports of severe injuries thus far although several egos were badly bruised. The USGS Earthquakes Hazards Program later issued a statement apologizing for the error.

“The ground shaking was not the result of an earthquake,” explained FEMA Director Brock Short, “but rather was caused from vegan outrage over the sale of Field Roast to a meat company.”

The comments on social media were swift and unforgiving.

“This is unacceptable!” exclaimed Dart Jensen as he filled up his Toyota with Mobil gasoline while talking on his iPhone. “I only buy from vegan-owned companies like So Delicious and Gardein! Field Roast is dead to me!”

“It’s not about strategies or reducing the number of animals killed,” said Alexis Noble from inside her bubble. “This is about my personal purity tests! My agenda, not theirs!”

“I’m boycotting Field Roast! I never liked them anyway! I bought their products every week but always hated them. Feh! I’m now boycotting more than 4,000 companies!” said activist Erika Doubthat.

“Field Roast has wheat gluten. I’m gluten-free so I don’t even care,” said Allison Freis.

Field Roast issued a statement apologizing for trying to maximize the distribution of their food to reach meat eaters. The Vegan Police Academy reported a spike in applications following the announcement.

15 thoughts on “Vegan Meltdown Over Field Roast Sale Mistaken for California Earthquake

  1. Excellent, Andrew! If the majority of animal rights oriented vegans were as smart as we are passionate, we’d already be SO much farther along in our endeavors to save the very animals whom we claim to care for,

    1. Thank you Tierra. Sadly, the Field Roast thread is filled with “me” statements. People who already eat plant-based food fail to realize that promoting plant-based food to a larger audience isn’t about them and their personal purity tests. It’s about reaching the 7 billion people who eat animals. Those 7 billion people don’t care who owns a company.

      If Tyson Foods wants to make their own plant-based chicken and it reduces the total number of animals killed for food, we should support it. They have the shelf space, marketing dollars, name recognition, etc. The idea that 100% vegan owned companies are going to overtake behemoths like Tyson shows a real detachment from the reality of the food industry and politics.

  2. Isn’t anyone concerned this meat company may introduce horse meat into Field Roasts? Frankly, I have faith that a vegan company would never do that. This is similar to Deans milk buying Silk plant based milks. But at least Silk was the first to use non-GMO plants whereas, the others such as Blue Diamond, Trader Joe’s and Giant soy milk did not and got a lot of people to have residual side affects.

    1. Hello Chris,

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sadly, many people rushed to judgement without taking the time to read Field Roast’s statement or Maple Leaf’s statement. Maple Leaf bought the company to compete in what they call the booming plant-based, “sustainable protein” market so there is no evidence or reason to believe otherwise. To the contrary of adding “horse meat,” Maple Leaf pledged to keep the products vegan and grow the business. This is the second plant-based company they purchased for that reason.

        1. The vast majority of vegan processed food products are not owned by vegan companies, including Gardein and So Delicious. This is nothing new.

          Simply because people convince themselves that a vegan food product is vegan owned because they don’t do their due diligence to identify the parent company doesn’t make them vegan owned.

          None of this matters if the goal is to reach the billions of people who eat animals and to reduce the total number of animals killed for food. For those billions of meat eaters, they couldn’t care less who owns a company. If they did, they wouldn’t buy food from Tyson. They care about taste, texture, convenience, and affordability.

  3. It is interesting how some people draw their “box” of acceptable vegan-ness. The box usually does not include the companies that make the raw ingredients for the products, or the companies that ship the raw products to the factories that then make finished products, or the companies that deliver the finished products to the stores, or the companies that own the stores that carry the finished products. For some reason only the owner of the factory (i.e., the brand) is required to color inside the vegan lines.

  4. Hey Andrew, Just a quick note of appreciation for all your work and posts, and especially ones like these: you’re right there with Andy Borowitz for spot-on humor and powerful message. Keep it up, and all the best, Ellen


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