Donald Trump nominated musician Robert Ritchie, also known as Kid Rock, to become the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) today. If approved by Congress, Rock will replace former HHS Secretary Tom Price, who resigned last week after spending nearly $1 million of taxpayers’ money to fly on private jets.
Rock, a former car dealer and member of the Furious Funkers, beat out heavily favored boxing promoter Don King for the position. Congress is expected to offer swift confirmation and a moment of silence.
When asked if he supported extending coverage for pre-existing conditions, Rock replied, “Do that thing that I do, scoobidee scabadee doo! Zoinks!”
Rock will join a cabinet that includes Secretary of Energy Rick Perry, who worked as a book salesman and now oversees the nation’s nuclear arsenal, UN Representative Nikki Haley, who worked as an accountant and now is charged with preventing nuclear war, and Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson, who worked as a surgeon and therefore naturally knows how to create affordable housing and address the nation’s housing discrimination issues.
Rock told reporters gathered outside his stretch limo that he believes his alcohol arrests, assault convictions, shooting animals for entertainment, and sex tape give him unique insight into the health care system. “I’ve been in the hospital and I’ve put people in the hospital,” Rock explained. “I want to make more money, eat Big Macs, and drink Budweisers!”