Defiant Pistachio Nut Refuses to Open

A pistachio nut related to the cashew family refused to open Sunday after repeated attempts by two thumbs and a set of teeth. The pistachio was left behind in frustration on a stack of less resistant pistachio shells.

“I did everything I could to open it,” said local resident Peter Barlow, who purchased the nuts. “I have blisters on my fingers from trying to get that one open. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it.”

The pistachio nut was quick to criticize family members, many of whom left themselves open to being eaten or didn’t even cover themselves.

“They thought I was crazy when I told them we could resist,” said the nut. “Now they’re just a shell of themselves.”

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