SAN DIEGO — In a speech to a raucous crowd today, Donald Trump told an audience that he is going to abolish the free press, erase the national debt with baby wipes, make Mexico pay for a new fountain in the Trump Plaza lobby, and persuade the climate to stop changing.

Trump pulled out a magician’s top hat and said, “Who the hell in this audience believes I can pull a rabbit out of this hat? Believe me folks, it’s true, it’s true. Excuse me, excuse me. Nobody is a better magician than me. That I can tell you.” Trump proceeded to pull a rabbit out of the hat. Several members of the audience gasped and fainted while still gripping onto their “Make America Great Again” signs.

“This is the second coming of Christ,” one supporter remarked after regaining consciousness. “Trump can do anything!”

As soon as Trump held the rabbit up by her ears, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. shot her. Blood covered several audience members in the front row.

“They’re good shooters, my sons. What can I tell you? They shot the rabbit. Boom. That’s it, no more rabbit,” Trump explained to a cheering audience. “I guess you could say it was a fatal attraction,” he quipped.