U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham recently sat down for an interview to discuss his position on vegetarians, ISIS, and his nemesis Donald Trump. This is Senator Graham as you’ve always heard him before–brash, pessimistic, and determined to give voice to the one percent of Republicans who voted for him in the presidential primaries.
Andrew Kirschner (AK): Welcome Senator Graham. You ran for President of the United States. Your campaign caught fire like a burning log on the bottom of the ocean. One voter remarked, “I would rather have a root canal in every tooth without anesthesia than vote for Graham.” And those comments came from your sister. What happened?
Lindsey Graham (LG): Well, what I hope Republican voters, libertarian, vegetarians, Democrats, you name it, will look for somebody to lead us in a new direction, domestically, but particularly on the foreign policy front.
AK: You talk a lot about vegetarians. You even said ISIS will target vegetarians. It’s odd.
LG: ISIS will kill every Christian and Jew and vegetarian in their way.
AK: Why would ISIS focus on vegetarians?
LG: If I’m president of the United States and you’re thinking about joining Al Qaeda or ISIL, I’m not gonna call a judge. I’m gonna call a drone and we will kill you.
AK: Yikes. Settle down. I have no plans on doing that. But just so you don’t waste time, as far as I know, drones can’t answer a phone call. Would you prefer Ted Cruz or Donald Trump as President?
LG: It’s like being shot or poisoned.
AK: Solid point. Do you think Trump is ready to be Commander-in-Chief?
LG: Donald Trump, I think, is the most unprepared person I’ve ever met to be Commander-in-Chief.
AK: Have you ever met Sarah Palin?
LG: I very much believe that she (Sarah Palin) would be ready to do anything asked of her, whether to be Commander-in-Chief or President of the United States. I have a lot of confidence in her.
AK: Wow. You sure do. Why not Trump?
LG: He’s a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. He doesn’t represent my party. He doesn’t represent the values that the men and women who wear the uniform are fighting for. You can’t nominate a nut job. He is just generally a loser as a person.
AK: Sounds like you’re describing Palin too. What does it say about the Republican party?
LG: My party has gone batshit crazy.
AK: Should Trump have won Time’s Man of the Year?
LG: He’s the ISIL man of the year.
AK: I didn’t realize they gave out that award. Do you wish Trump had run as an independent?
LG: I wish he would leave the party. I don’t care if he runs as an independent. If we lose the 2016 election, so be it. I want to be in a category of 1% who said ‘B.S., this is not who we are as a party, this is not who we are as a nation.’
AK: If you had won the presidency, what would you have done in your first 100 days?
LG: The first thing I’m going to do as president: we’re gonna drink more.
AK: Just a reminder–you didn’t win. Well, at least you have plenty of free time to watch movies now.
LG: The greatest character in Bond history was Pussy Galore, she was like, incredibly talented–just her attitude toward life.
AK: Interesting choice. Do you think Trump will make America great again if he wins?
LG: You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.
AK: Thank you Senator Graham. It was a pleasure speaking with you.
LG: I miss George Bush.
AK: Why don’t you call him? Maybe you guys will change your mind about Trump. After all, it’s your domestic and foreign policy agenda that created the environment for him to thrive.
LG: Embracing Donald Trump is embracing demographic death. Here’s what I’m going to say in November when we lose: ‘I told you so.’
All of the Graham statements in this interview are direct quotes by Senator Lindsey Graham.