In a very negative and long news conference on a bone-chilling day and after sitting in unimaginable traffic, the 2015 Negative Advocacy for Animals National Conference selection committee announced its 2016 keynote speaker. The selection process was daunting given the vast pool of pessimistic candidates. The committee focused exclusively this year on a late surge of potential speakers who rallied to tear down Ben & Jerry’s release of four new dairy-free ice creams. Here is a sample of actual responses from animal advocates after hearing the news.
While these animal advocates are cynical, their disdain for progress was very narrow in scope. The committee was searching for a keynote speaker with blanket contempt. We do, however, admire these individuals for showcasing their uncanny ability to share their negativity and dissuade people from trying dairy-free ice cream.
Although we did not select any of these animal advocates despite their impressive degree of negativity in the face of a watershed moment in the food industry, we mailed them a new pair of blinders for this year’s conference.
The committee believes that the combination of dismissing animal welfare, a personal disclosure that he won’t buy it while ignoring the millions of people who may buy it instead of dairy ice cream, the claim that somehow the ice cream is put in cows’ eyes (?), and the closing expletive affirm this individual’s unique qualifications to be the keynote speaker at this year’s conference.
Buy your tickets now and they’re guaranteed to still arrive late. We expect parking to be worse than last year. The hotel accommodations will be awful. We are delaying the announcement of the location of the event to further inconvenience attendees. Moby will not be there.