In a very negative and long news conference on a bone-chilling day and after sitting in unimaginable traffic, the 2015 Negative Advocacy for Animals National Conference selection committee announced its 2016 keynote speaker. The selection process was daunting given the vast pool of pessimistic candidates. The committee focused exclusively this year on a late surge of potential speakers who rallied to tear down Ben & Jerry’s release of four new dairy-free ice creams. Here is a sample of actual responses from animal advocates after hearing the news.
Honorable Mentions
While these animal advocates are cynical, their disdain for progress was very narrow in scope. The committee was searching for a keynote speaker with blanket contempt. We do, however, admire these individuals for showcasing their uncanny ability to share their negativity and dissuade people from trying dairy-free ice cream.
Although we did not select any of these animal advocates despite their impressive degree of negativity in the face of a watershed moment in the food industry, we mailed them a new pair of blinders for this year’s conference.
We decided to select the author of the following comment for the breadth and depth of his convictions. We have no doubt he will bring the house down at this year’s conference. Congratulations!
The committee believes that the combination of dismissing animal welfare, a personal disclosure that he won’t buy it while ignoring the millions of people who may buy it instead of dairy ice cream, the claim that somehow the ice cream is put in cows’ eyes (?), and the closing expletive affirm this individual’s unique qualifications to be the keynote speaker at this year’s conference.
Buy your tickets now and they’re guaranteed to still arrive late. We expect parking to be worse than last year. The hotel accommodations will be awful. We are delaying the announcement of the location of the event to further inconvenience attendees. Moby will not be there.
Kirschner's Korner 
another great posting from you
Thank you! The committee has spoken!
Love love love!!!
Should be a horrible talk! I’m very unenthusiastic about it!
Awesome! Hilarious yet not.
Yes, not so funny, really.
“…we mailed them a new pair of blinders for this year’s conference.”
I wondered where they were getting them from! Now I know! 🙂
This was such a great topic from last year’s conference…hope it’s repeated this year:
“Meatless Mondays: How to Get People Not Eating Meat on Mondays to Start Eating Meat on Mondays Again if they’re Not Going to Stop Eating Meat Every Other Day”
And this group seems to have learned a lot from last year’s conference:
Protesters disrupt meat-eating debate
February 24, 2016
http://www.stanforddaily.com/2016/02/24/protesters-disrupt-meat-eating-debate/
“A group of animal rights protesters disrupted the debate between Whole Foods Market CEO John Mackey and The Good Food Institute director Bruce Friedrich…
“The reaction of the audience was generally unsympathetic, with several audience members booing or yelling back at the protesters.
Security officers filmed the action but did not otherwise interfere. After 20 minutes, the protesters left the room.
Mackey commented that if the protesters had stayed, they might have found out they were on the same side.”
Whew! Good thing they left before that happened! 😉
http://9gag.com/gag/aPyG0LK?ref=android.s.fbm
Thanks for lightening up my day, Andrew!
You dont buy toiletries and cleaners from Unilever cos they are the biggest UK US Europe animal testing company so you are not vegan if you buy Ben and Jerrys I Scream. Your life does NOT depend on this product and there ARE ethical companies producing real vegan ice cream. https://m.facebook.com/Unilever-and-Friends-1559806234311365/
Hi Susan,
I’m not worried about what I eat. I’ve got that covered. I’m thinking about the millions of people who eat Ben & Jerry’s dairy ice cream who may now try their dairy-free version since they trust the name.
also P & G tests on animals I guess I will have to spend more $# that i am short on to buy cruelty free, all araound