Fresh off his surprise victory in Iowa, U.S. Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz readily discussed a wide range of issues. Candid about his positions on animal agriculture, the environment, and healthcare, Senator Cruz appears poised to remake America.
Andrew Kirschner (AK): Do you like animals?
Ted Cruz (TC): I am a very, very proud wacko bird.
AK: I didn’t ask you if you are an animal. Let’s stay focused. Which animals are entitled to the rights of dogs? Why is it illegal to kick a dog but legal to abuse a pig in the U.S.?
TC: Stopping bad things is a significant public service.
AK: Then why don’t you take a stand against animal agriculture, the most abusive and destructive industry on the planet?
TC: Methinks doth protest too much.
AK: With billions of animals killed every year in the U.S., we need more protests. Your top supporter in Iowa is Steve King, notorious for being ruthless towards animals and a sponsor of so-called Ag Gag legislation. What does that say about your compassion? Isn’t mercy more important than ham?
TC: I will credit my father, he invented green eggs and ham. He did it two ways. The easy way was he would put green food coloring in. But if you take spinach and mix it into the eggs, the eggs turn green.
AK: What isn’t green are the methane emissions from cattle farming that contribute more to climate change than all transportation combined. How do you justify eating hamburgers given those facts?
TC: John Adams once said, “Facts are stubborn things.”
AK: Great, then let’s talk about the facts. Methane has a 23 times more negative impact on climate change than carbon dioxide and the majority of it comes from cattle farming. How do you justify eating hamburgers from the industry responsible for destroying our planet?
TC: I like their little burgers. I’m a big fan of eating White Castle burgers.
AK: Eating a bunch of smaller burgers is not the answer, Senator. Eating humane, healthier, more sustainable, and delicious plant-based food is the answer.
TC: Each day I learn what a scoundrel I am.
AK: On that point, we agree.
TC: I am a maniac.
AK: That has been well established. Do you believe climate change is a problem?
TC: The problem with climate change is there’s never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.
AK: Critics call you a climate change denier but they argue what can’t be denied is that your tax returns indicate you donated less than 1% of your salary to charity between 2006-2010 even though you have a net worth of millions of dollars. What does that say about you?
TC: Believing is not simply sitting aside and doing a polite little golf clap.
AK: So you admit that you are a clapper and not a giver. You’re an avid sport hunter and speak often about your love for Duck Dynasty.
TC: The reason that so many Americans love Duck Dynasty is because it represents the America usually ignored or mocked by liberal elites: A family that loves and cares for each other, believes in God, and speaks openly about their faith.
AK: And shoots and kills animals. Thank you for taking the time to share your views. Your positions are very insightful. Is there anything else you would like to add?
TC: A camel’s hair brush is made of squirrel fur, and it makes you wonder the squirrels apparently have a very bad marketing department.
AK: Thank you Senator.
All of the replies in this interview are direct quotes from Senator Ted Cruz.