Exclusive Interview: Ted Cruz on Animal Rights

Fresh off his surprise victory in Iowa, U.S. Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz readily discussed a wide range of issues. Candid about his positions on animal agriculture, the environment, and healthcare, Senator Cruz appears poised to remake America.

ted cruz

Andrew Kirschner (AK): Do you like animals?

Ted Cruz (TC): I am a very, very proud wacko bird.

AK: I didn’t ask you if you are an animal. Let’s stay focused. Which animals are entitled to the rights of dogs? Why is it illegal to kick a dog but legal to abuse a pig in the U.S.?

TC: Stopping bad things is a significant public service.

AK: Then why don’t you take a stand against animal agriculture, the most abusive and destructive industry on the planet?

TC: Methinks doth protest too much.

AK: With billions of animals killed every year in the U.S., we need more protests. Your top supporter in Iowa is Steve King, notorious for being ruthless towards animals and a sponsor of so-called Ag Gag legislation. What does that say about your compassion? Isn’t mercy more important than ham?

TC: I will credit my father, he invented green eggs and ham. He did it two ways. The easy way was he would put green food coloring in. But if you take spinach and mix it into the eggs, the eggs turn green.

AK: What isn’t green are the methane emissions from cattle farming that contribute more to climate change than all transportation combined. How do you justify eating hamburgers given those facts?

TC: John Adams once said, “Facts are stubborn things.”

AK: Great, then let’s talk about the facts. Methane has a 23 times more negative impact on climate change than carbon dioxide and the majority of it comes from cattle farming. How do you justify eating hamburgers from the industry responsible for destroying our planet?

TC: I like their little burgers. I’m a big fan of eating White Castle burgers.

AK: Eating a bunch of smaller burgers is not the answer, Senator. Eating humane, healthier, more sustainable, and delicious plant-based food is the answer.

TC: Each day I learn what a scoundrel I am.

AK: On that point, we agree.

TC: I am a maniac.

AK: That has been well established. Do you believe climate change is a problem?

TC: The problem with climate change is there’s never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.

AK: Critics call you a climate change denier but they argue what can’t be denied is that your tax returns indicate you donated less than 1% of your salary to charity between 2006-2010 even though you have a net worth of millions of dollars. What does that say about you?

TC: Believing is not simply sitting aside and doing a polite little golf clap.

AK: So you admit that you are a clapper and not a giver. You’re an avid sport hunter and speak often about your love for Duck Dynasty.

TC: The reason that so many Americans love Duck Dynasty is because it represents the America usually ignored or mocked by liberal elites: A family that loves and cares for each other, believes in God, and speaks openly about their faith.

AK: And shoots and kills animals. Thank you for taking the time to share your views. Your positions are very insightful. Is there anything else you would like to add?

TC: A camel’s hair brush is made of squirrel fur, and it makes you wonder the squirrels apparently have a very bad marketing department.

AK: Thank you Senator.

All of the replies in this interview are direct quotes from Senator Ted Cruz.

6 thoughts on “Exclusive Interview: Ted Cruz on Animal Rights

  1. “All the replies are direct quotes from…Ted Cruz.” It was funny (and weird) up until that point. Now it’s just depressing. 🙁

    1. Hi Kevin,

      When I first happened on your blog, I saw a video of you asking a lot of important questions to Ted Cruz, who obviously didn’t want to be interviewed by you. It was an exciting video, with Cruz showing his contempt for us in the animal rights movement, but being silly and careful not to escalate this encounter with an aggressive questioner.

      He was being sort of a pussy. I loved it.

      Now I can’t seem to locate that video. I would like to provide the link for it in my own first post on my new blog, columbuscat1 on wordpress. If you can send me a link to that video, I would be most grateful.

      I was happy to discover your blog when I was looking up Cruz’s position on animal rights. Like you, I am an activist, though I do not have an attractive web site as you do, with the inviting picture guide to your many excellent essays. I have started reading them, and I enjoy your independence and original thinking. You are honest, truthful, and courageous, my friend, and I am encouraged to know you are in this fight.

      I love finding out anything about my favorite presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, either positive or negative, and I was grateful for your article about his unfortunate diet. It is a disappointment to learn Sanders needs a little consciousness-raising about animal issues, but good to know.

      I look forward to reading your blog, especially now that I have started my own. I am sure you will keep me up to date on important issues, Informed intelligent commentary is what I need. It’s not easy to find.

      My name is Lee Williams, and I have been active in Columbus since 2000. It’s good to meet you.

      Lee

  2. Hi Kevin,

    When I first happened on your blog, I saw a video of you asking a lot of important questions to Ted Cruz, who obviously didn’t want to be interviewed by you. It was an exciting video, with Cruz showing his contempt for us in the animal rights movement, but being silly and careful not to escalate this encounter with an aggressive questioner.

    He was being sort of a pussy. I loved it.

    Now I can’t seem to locate that video. I would like to provide the link for it in my own first post on my new blog, columbuscat1 on wordpress. If you can send me a link to that video, I would be most grateful.

    I was happy to discover your blog when I was looking up Cruz’s position on animal rights. Like you, I am an activist, though I do not have an attractive web site as you do, with the inviting picture guide to your many excellent essays. I have started reading them, and I enjoy your independence and original thinking. You are honest, truthful, and courageous, my friend, and I am encouraged to know you are in this fight.

    I love finding out anything about my favorite presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, either positive or negative, and I was grateful for your article about his unfortunate diet. It is a disappointment to learn Sanders needs a little consciousness-raising about animal issues, but good to know.

    I look forward to reading your blog, especially now that I have started my own. I am sure you will keep me up to date on important issues, Informed intelligent commentary is what I need. It’s not easy to find.

    My name is Lee Williams, and I have been active in Columbus since 2000. It’s good to meet you.

    Lee

  3. Omg, I can’t believe what a moron this guy is! And to think he wants to be president of the USA. Heaven help us! It is diplorable that his sinister smile is so large kneeling next to the tiger he killed. I have no respect for a man that has to go and kill an animal with a gun. How unfair is that? The animal has no chance. That’s not a sport, its a crime. And in the aftermath of the beheading and senseless slaughter of Cecil, its just heartbreaking to think someone can get pleasure from killing a beautiful animal like this one. He’s lost my respect, my vote and his dignity. Besides, he sounds super ignorant and not intelligent at all. Ugh! Im totally disgusted.

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