BURLINGTON, Vt. — Millions of American citizens flocked to grocery stores Friday to stock up on plant-based food after Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told an audience, “Obama is coming to take away your vegan food. It’s true. It’s true! It’s happening. It’s true!”
Customers were seen diving in the aisles and stuffing their jackets with So Delicious dairy-free ice cream, Heide Ho’s plant-based cheeze, and Beyond Meat’s Beast Burgers.
“I’ve been working here three weeks and I’ve never seen anything like it!” said Billy Drake, a bagger at the Publix grocery store in Loxahatchee, Florida. “I saw one guy hit an elderly woman over the head with a package of Field Roast Smoked Apple Sage Sausages after she tried to take the last jar of Just Mayo out of his cart!”
It is not yet known why Obama is coming to take everyone’s plant-based food away. Unconfirmed media reports suggested that the President and First Lady have long considered going vegan.
“Once he goes vegan, watch out!” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX.) said. “You won’t be able to get vegan food anywhere. I stand here to protect your right to liberty, the constitution, and Daiya pizza, my friends.”
NRA President Wayne LaPierre issued a statement affirming his belief that this is why Americans need to be armed.
“If Obama comes for your Gardein Fish Filets or Kite Hill Spinach Ravioli, lock and load my friends. Lock and load,” LaPierre said. “If he takes my Beyond Meat Beef Crumbles, it will be from my cold dead hands!”
Plant-based food companies scrambled to meet demand. A spokesperson for the Obama administration would not confirm or deny reports that he plans on renouncing animal agriculture after his term ends. Critics refused to comment on whether Obama had intended to use the non-existent onion they accused him of having on the podium during his gun speech as a topping for a veggie pizza rather than a vehicle to generate crocodile tears.