The City of Guttenberg is looking for dedicated men and women who want to make a difference in the community they serve by becoming a member of one of the best vegan police departments. Successful candidates will demonstrate, through a lack of experience, a desire for a career as a Vegan Police Officer. Those persons who least meet the needs of the City will be contacted for participation in the selection process if they possess an uncanny ability to make a mountain out of a molehill, deplete morale, and disengage the masses. Experience riding a high horse strongly preferred.
Physical Agility Components
1. Obstacle Course (AKA – Foot Pursuit): 99-yards. Involves various turns and balance beams while chasing a fugitive who ate vegan food from a facility that also processes eggs.
2. Climb 2 six-foot walls: One solid and one chain-linked. Candidates may take up to three good efforts to get over each wall to apprehend people accused of wearing a 30-year-old leather belt.
3. Dummy Drag: Must lift, drag, punch, and pull 165 lb. dummy 35 feet while yelling, “Is that beer vegan? Does your sepia ink contain squid sacs?”
Examples of Duties
Under supervision, performs vegan law enforcement and vegan crime prevention duties; enforces city, county and state laws against incremental progress; patrols assigned vegan recipe websites with a particular focus on processed sugar, oil, and needless carbs; responds to calls for protection of life, property, and personal purity; investigates criminal cases with a specific focus on juices fortified with Vitamin D from lanolin; issues citations to so-called vegans shopping at grocery stores that do not solely carry vegan products; stops violators; warns against unlawful practices such as accidentally eating something with palm oil or honey, testifies in court against people who do not adhere to vegan policies; inspects so-called vegan kitchens; investigates suspicious vegans’ bathroom medicine cabinets for any signs of Omega 3s containing anchovies; gives information and directions to the public about perfectly accessible restaurants that only serve vegan food within a 500 mile radius; collects and identifies evidence of people wearing leather shoes they bought before they stopped buying leather; inspects water-color paints for traces of ox gall, enforces parking regulations on cars with leather timing belts; and screens apple juice for isinglass.
1. Graduation from vegan high school or equivalent
2. Candidates must be ethical, health, and environmental vegans since birth at the time of application with no evidence of making any transition; feet must be set in concrete prior to starting date
3. Possession of a valid Class V driver’s license with a minimum of 10 points for trying to run people over for drinking almond milk with carrageenan; car must not be powered by gasoline
4. Proven track record of making goals seem unattainable
5. Home residence must be located on moral high ground
The City of Guttenberg sets the minimum standards for Vegan Police:
1. Work Habits: An attention to detail that will cause people to Google suicide methods
2. Interactions with Others: Aggressive, demeaning, forceful, shortsighted, and off-putting
3. Intellectual Abilities: Unique ability to ascribe ulterior motives to everything people do
4. Handling Stress and Adversity: Demonstrated ability to dismiss rejection of approach
5. Character: Must preach kindness while being mean to others
The City of Guttenberg Motto
No good deed is ever good enough!