Vegan Police Academy

Vegan Police Academy Trainee

The City of Guttenberg is looking for dedicated men and women who want to make a difference in the community they serve by becoming a member of one of the best vegan police departments.  Successful candidates will demonstrate, through a lack of experience, a desire for a career as a Vegan Police Officer.  Those persons who least meet the needs of the City will be contacted for participation in the selection process if they possess an uncanny ability to make a mountain out of a molehill, deplete morale, and disengage the masses. Experience riding a high horse strongly preferred.

Physical Agility Components
1. Obstacle Course (AKA – Foot Pursuit):  99-yards.  Involves various turns and balance beams while chasing a fugitive who ate vegan food from a facility that also processes eggs.
2. Climb 2 six-foot walls:  One solid and one chain-linked.  Candidates may take up to three good efforts to get over each wall to apprehend people accused of wearing a 30-year-old leather belt.
3. Dummy Drag:  Must lift, drag, punch, and pull 165 lb. dummy 35 feet while yelling, “Is that beer vegan? Does your sepia ink contain squid sacs?”

Examples of Duties
Under supervision, performs vegan law enforcement and vegan crime prevention duties; enforces city, county and state laws against incremental progress; patrols assigned vegan recipe websites with a particular focus on processed sugar, oil, and needless carbs; responds to calls for protection of life, property, and personal purity; investigates criminal cases with a specific focus on juices fortified with Vitamin D from lanolin; issues citations to so-called vegans shopping at grocery stores that do not solely carry vegan products; stops violators; warns against unlawful practices such as accidentally eating something with palm oil or honey, testifies in court against people who do not adhere to vegan policies; inspects so-called vegan kitchens; investigates suspicious vegans’ bathroom medicine cabinets for any signs of Omega 3s containing anchovies; gives information and directions to the public about perfectly accessible restaurants that only serve vegan food within a 500 mile radius; collects and identifies evidence of people wearing leather shoes they bought before they stopped buying leather; inspects water-color paints for traces of ox gall, enforces parking regulations on cars with leather timing belts; and screens apple juice for isinglass.

Typical Qualifications
1. Graduation from vegan high school or equivalent
2. Candidates must be ethical, health, and environmental vegans since birth at the time of application with no evidence of making any transition; feet must be set in concrete prior to starting date
3. Possession of a valid Class V driver’s license with a minimum of 10 points for trying to run people over for drinking almond milk with carrageenan; car must not be powered by gasoline
4. Proven track record of making goals seem unattainable
5. Home residence must be located on moral high ground

Selection Standards
The City of Guttenberg sets the minimum standards for Vegan Police:
1. Work Habits: An attention to detail that will cause people to Google suicide methods
2. Interactions with Others: Aggressive, demeaning, forceful, shortsighted, and off-putting
3. Intellectual Abilities: Unique ability to ascribe ulterior motives to everything people do
4. Handling Stress and Adversity: Demonstrated ability to dismiss rejection of approach
5. Character: Must preach kindness while being mean to others

The City of Guttenberg Motto
No good deed is ever good enough!


14 thoughts on “Vegan Police Academy

  1. Brilliant Andrew! Though now I will be worried about wool filled orange juice (I don’t drink orange juice, so I guess this wasn’t on my radar), my ink murdering squid and my paints killing oxen…thanks for giving me new things to worry about at the store. Hahahhaha
    Just kidding. I love your satire!


    1. Thank you Sheree! You hit the nail on the head. We could drive ourselves crazy micromanaging everything we do which is why it’s futile to police people over minutiae. So much of what we do and buy negatively impacts animals whether it’s building a house, using gasoline, electricity, plastic, and paper, giving money to people for services that they in turn use to buy animals to eat, etc. Perfection is unattainable. The calculations never end which is why it’s a boorish and rudderless exercise to police people on a compassionate path.

      The most pragmatic and welcoming approach is to invite people to do as little harm as possible and praise people moving in the right direction. Not eating animals and their byproducts is the most impactful way to save lives so we should not spend time dismantling the morale of people who have at least taken that giant step.

      Thank you for subscribing to my blog and for your kind feedback.

  2. I would like to have a Vegan Police Badge, hat or t-shirt. Then I could always be on patrol and everyone would know it. I wouldn’t have to say anything — just set my badge on the table. I am resting assured that the t-shirt, badge, hat etc will be organically grown or made from wild gathered clothing remnants found in alleys and up cycled by locals. Please list the tracking from farm/alley to hanger.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s