New York – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who recently passed legislation that will allow him to remain in office after he dies, learned from doctors today that he needs an emergency heart transplant. “Either his heart isn’t working or he doesn’t have one,” Dr. Saul Panos at Mt. Sinai Medical Center explained to the media. “The Mayor recently reiterated his support for horse-drawn carriages in Central Park. Although x-rays show something in the shape of a heart inside the mayor’s chest, we have concluded otherwise given his refusal to end this senseless form of horse abuse.” An animal rights activist in Queens offered to donate her heart but doctors concluded it was too big to fit inside Mayor Bloomberg’s chest.

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters he didn’t care about the news and explained that “people come to New York to ride a horse-drawn carriage — not to see the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, museums, Broadway plays, architecture, sports, or restaurants.” Although visitors have the option of walking through the park or riding in an open pedicab driven by people on bicycles, the Mayor insisted that abusing the horses in record temperatures is still the best option. “My priority right now is for people to cut back on soda so they can lose weight, not walk a few miles in the park so they can lose weight,” the Mayor added.