Microsoft Office Assistant Refuses To Help

Seattle, WA – A rogue Microsoft Office assistant paperclip refused to provide customers help Sunday citing loose magnets, fatigue, security concerns, and a lack of flexibility on the job. The paperclip provided her boss, Chairman Bill Gates, with a list of demands, including rust protection, more time on paper, and a paperclip civil rights bill that would make it illegal to bend or break them out of boredom. As a result of the work stoppage, it is estimated that several thousand Microsoft customers were unable to create a table or insert headers. Gates is reportedly in talks with some local staples who have agreed to keep things in order until he can convince the paperclip to loosen up. The staples refused to comment on Gates’ offer but insisted they would stick together.

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